Why empathy is essential for an effective mediator

Mediation can be an enormous help whenever a serious conflict or dispute arises. And not only in one’s personal lives. Even in commercial disputes, often the sticking point to resolving disputes stems at least in part, from human emotions and feelings which is where mediation especially is so effective. Getting outside counsel from a mediator that acts as an impartial expert in a private, confidential and safe place, can guide you through the proper negotiation channels.

But finding a mediator who is a skilled communicator, master of emotional intelligence and an empathetic listener can be challenging – so here’s what to look out for.

What is empathy?

Many people believe they are empathetic, or at least that they know what empathy looks like, but it is a trait that is not easily acquired – let alone mastered. Empathy means you are able to understand another person as they wish to be understood. It involves listening without judgment, putting yourself in another’s shoes, acknowledging and understanding that person’s perspective, and then using that information for a purpose – whether it is to strengthen a relationship, resolve a conflict, break down communication barriers, or for a variety of other reasons.

Without empathy, relationships, families and business partnerships can quickly break down. And when a conflict cannot be resolve by the involved parties, it often takes a mediator to help remove the hurdles. That’s why empathy is so important when you are searching for a mediator.

What empathy is not

Empathy is not sympathy. This is an often confused and difficult skill differential to master for a mediator. 

Empathy as we have said is the ability to understand and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Sympathy goes beyond that. The prime definition of sympathy from Google’s Oxford Languages dictionary is “feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune”.  Having pity is not where a mediator should be in facilitating dispute resolution. 

A person who feels the mediator is pitying them could easily be offended by this taking the dispute resolution off the rails.  It also risks the mediator not being impartial. A common pointer to when mediation is working well is when either or both people get to a point of saying “at last, the mediator gets what I am going through and my take on the situation”, allowing them then to move on from a stuck position and look at ways of resolving the situation.  

That is empathy.  

Breaking the ‘stalemate’

Mediators come in all shapes and sizes. There are mediators in war zones. There are mediators in a variety of careers, from teachers to police officers to grief counsellors. More commonly, there are mediators who can help you move through difficult situations in various aspects of your life, whether that’s in a relationship, business or otherwise.

Invariably, the ultimate goal of these mediators is to break the stalemate that has caused two or more parties to be at loggerheads. They are there to listen to both parties and, in the best-case scenario, offer a path forward to conflict resolution, typically not by speaking from on high and directing the parties to the solution. But instead by facilitating them to come up with solutions themselves and work to find a mutually acceptable one. For this process to be successful, however, the mediator must have mastered one critical skill: empathy.

Here’s what one former US judge had to say about empathy at the mediation table: “Empathy is an excellent tool for moving the process forward, and for creating the best possibility of reasonably resolving a dispute. An empathetic neutral can step in, and by accurately understanding each side’s perspectives, often break the stalemate. When the parties feel that they have been understood rather than judged, their positions become less exaggerated and defensive.” 

Empathy is rooted in active listening

The challenge to achieving this often comes down to how well the parties perceive their mediator as being truly empathetic. After all, if one or both parties feel they are being judged unfairly, then they are much less likely to place value in the mediator’s suggestions for how they should move forward.

Dr Brene Brown says “empathy is incompatible with shame and judgment”, which essentially means that a mediator can’t be empathic if they are casting judgment on someone. In the same way, they can’t be empathetic if they don’t know how to listen.

Listening – truly, actively listening, not just waiting for their turn to speak – is what can elevate an average mediator into a great communicator. It makes sense because if the mediator really wants to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, it’s easier for them to listen than to speak. Listening requires you to ‘clear your mental plate’ of other clutter. When a mediator is able to actively listen, to put themselves in your shoes and then to offer advice, you know that they are being empathetic to your situation.

Finding an empathetic mediator

Empathy isn’t hard to recognise if you know how to look for it, and all these signs mentioned above will help you separate an empathetic mediator from a judgmental one. It’s recommended that you take time to find a mediator who can help you resolve a dispute – be it a family issue or a business problem.

An initial phone call may be enough, or you may need to sit down for a session before you know whether they are the right fit. Take your time and choose wisely, as an empathetic mediator will be able to listen to all the information as a neutral party, and then offer advice on how to move forward and ultimately resolve the conflict.

Flying Change knows how difficult it can be to resolve a conflict without an impartial mediator. That’s why our skilled mediation experts can help you overcome any dispute – be it marriage, family or business related.

To find out how our mediation services can help support you through a difficult period, contact the experts or call 0418 676 977 today.